About me

My days start usually around 4am, 5 hours sleep is a real blessing for me and thanks to a cocktail of medications I seem to be able to get those precious 5 hours most nights now. The best thing about medication induced sleep for me is that I never remember my dreams. i consider this a small blessing as my husband often describes tears, calling out for my mum, conversations about suicide and many other nightly outbursts that I am glad I have no recollection of.

I actually really like that when I wake the world is quiet, dark especially this time of year and most importantly silent. Silence is something I never take for granted, it is something I do not get much of but that first hour in the morning when I grab my coffee and a cigarette and catch up on social media my mind is silent. The trauma reel as I call it is on pause, my physical pain is minimal. Silence is so precious...

As easily as my state of mind wakes me peacefully and calm the feeling never lasts longer than an hour at most. It starts slowly like background music in a movie, not that noticeable but you know its there. Its time to go to my room, its a small room filled with teddy bears. This is my safe place, the place where I spend 99% of my time. Just me a sewing machine way to much fabric and an ever growing collection of crystals. The room filled with Crystal Cuddles bears each one individual and unique a collection of perfectly imperfect bears who have all helped to save my life, one stitch at a time