The Accident

Here I was doing the job of my dreams, actually no it was never a job to me. It was an honour, it was what I had worked so hard for, and finally here I was living the dream.

Working as a frontline Paramedic, helping those experiencing the worse day of their lives. Meeting people with everything from a toothache (yes people call ambulances for shit like that) to people in life and death situations. Many didn't make it others are wandering around getting on with life because I did my job!

Cant lie, the wins felt good, really good. The loses though, the ones that were beyond help or although we done everything we could for them didn't make it, they are the ones that stay with you. They are the ones that are now part of my trauma reel. From the elderly man asking what he is supposed to do now his wife of 50 years has gone to the baby who never woke up and an enormous shit show of everything in between. The lad whose van had been crushed by a lorry so bad we could barely see him, thinking he was my son as the van was the same make and so were all his tools spilled all over the road. To the lady hanging in her summer house because she could no longer deal with her mystery illness, who if she had managed one more day would of found it was a simple fix, but she just had enough. There are so many stories I could tell, the trauma was real, it came thick and fast and unknown to me piled itself up somewhere in my subconscious waiting, just waiting for me to break.

 

So the accident, I am  not going to go into all the details but the basics are I sustained a back injury caused by another staff members poor practice. It was nothing major or so I thought at the time, just a muscular injury that would heal with some rest and physio. It didn't, I mean it didn't heal as quickly as I would of expected, something wasn't right, scans showed a herniated disc but nothing else significant but physio was making it worse not better. The leg numbness, the hip locking it was all just weird. After 6 weeks of physio and constant hassle from work to "return or leave my job" the physio got it  to a point where the pain was bearable and the movement was as good as it was going to get.

I returned to work just as covid hit, we were busy, we were stressed and to be honest terrified we would catch it. We watched a nurse colleague get it and ultimately it took her life. It was scary shit! Work went on though it was just carried out in plastic suits and respirators, my hands were raw from all the washing and alcohol gel. We just carried on, the one thing that wasn't right amongst all the madness was my back, it felt like a stretched elastic band that could ping at any time. I did my best to protect it, but dragging people from ditches and lorry cabs takes its toll. I asked for more  physio through work but was denied and was told "if you are not fit to work, maybe you should leave".  

8th April 2022 I had to perform a forced stop whilst pulling away from a roundabout on lights and sirens. "BANG" my back went again, that was my last day ever working as a frontline Paramedic............

The diagnosis

Thinking I just needed more physio and I would be back to it was my first mistake!

I did indeed go back to physio after around 3 weeks of excruciating pain and numbness in my leg. However the next day whilst sat in the chair I bent down to the side of me to switch off a plug and went numb from the waist down, could not feel a thing, then to my horror i wet myself. As a Paramedic I knew this was serious, also as a Paramedic I left it an hour or so before suggesting my husband pop me to A&E to get checked out. Lectured by my peers that I should of called an Ambulance rather than go on the car I was rushed through with query Corda Equina, a condition caused by spinal nerve compression that can cause permanent paralysis. After lots of interment examinations and scans I was prepped for theatre. Can't lie I was shitting myself not literally thank god but I was terrified.

As I was moved to the ward to await possible life changing surgery the Spinal surgeon walks in "your scans are clear it is not Corda Equina, you can go home"

"go home" I still could not feel anything below my waist and continued to wet myself!

Home I went slowly after a few days the feeling returned only to come back a few weeks later. Back to A&E exact same scenario as last time except the consultant I saw knew me. Scans are clear but you are staying in until we get to the bottom of this. The next week was a blur of tests really strong pain meds and consultant visits.

Finally I saw a consultant Neurologist. "you are suffering from a condition called Functional Neurological Disorder, basically your nervous system is giving you physical symptoms of nerve damage although it is working absolutely fine. He sent me home with an appointment to see him in his clinic.

Functional Neurological Disorder, I had never heard of it, what did he mean that there was nothing wrong with my nervous system but it was causing me neurological symptoms???

 

If you would like to know more just google Functional Neurological Disorder there are some great articles online. Associated with mental trauma it is the bodies physical response to Mental ill health. The treatment for this is Psychologist support, EMDR and Neurological Physiotherapy. People that get the right treatment often revert to having no symptoms or only mild ones. 

Brilliant!!! I could be cured of this weird illness and get back to work, here I am 4 years on and I have had no treatment at all. The Trauma reel just gets worse and worse which makes my physical symptoms worse and that's how i ended up like I am. 

The Ambulance Service did nothing to help me get treatment, they medically retired me.

 

So I sit in a room and make bears whilst I continue to fight for the treatment that will help me get better. Whilst also using alternative treatments such as mindfulness and Reiki to try and heal myself.